Couple’s Therapy: a New and Important Awareness
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Published: 17 September 2023
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10 min read
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Published: 17 September 2023
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10 min read
As I see couple’s in my practice, what I notice comes up a lot for me is the importance of each partner in a relationship engaging in their own healing work before, entering into the journey and contract of marriage.
When we suffer from childhood trauma, unmet needs and or abuse, we tend to bring the outcome of those into our relationships with our partners.
On a subconscious level, we believe that we “can fix” our unmet needs with our partner even though these needs can only be met by our own selves. We need to engage a therapist to assist us in recognizing our core beliefs about ourselves and to identify the triggers that cause us to lash out, criticize, abuse or belittle our significant other.
In reality, what we blame our partners for lacking in, is usually a need that we did not get met by a parent, as a child.
It is easier to point out their short comings and blame them for not showing enough love, being emotionless, being selfish, not being thoughtful enough etc.
In reality, anything that triggers us, for the most part, comes back to us and isn’t about our partner. There is something in the trigger, more than likely that is an old attachment wound, that feels the same as what is happening with our partner.
I see couples most often when they are at a point where they, “can’t stand each other”. They are fighting. They both believe the other person is wrong and they rarely see a problem with any of their own behaviour.
Most often one of the partners has a fear of abandonment and the other has a fear of engulfment.
The person with fear of abandonment often needs constant contact and reassurance that the other person is there for them. They need immediate responses to their texts, communications and questions. When they don’t receive these responses quickly, they feel as if their partner doesn’t love them, thinks they are “too much” and assumes their partner will leave them. When their partner doesn’t respond emotionally enough the feelings of abandonment grow bigger.
When the person who has a fear of engulfment experiences their partner this way, their first reaction is to run or shut down. If this partner experienced “over-parenting” or controlling parents as a child, the neediness and perceived bossiness of their partner, will subconsciously feel like their parent all over again. They will run in the opposite direction which only further alienates their partner who is terrified of being alone and feeling worthless.
Here describes the Dance of Intimacy.
Each partner is dancing to a different song. This makes it difficult for them to dance together as they are both taking different steps. They are not in sync.
In order to remedy these missteps in the dance, each partner has to do their own healing work.
Often it is the person with Fear of abandonment who will first reach out for help from a therapist. If and when they can heal the issues within themselves, and learn how to get their own needs met, they will require less affirmation of their worth from their partner and will be more comfortable with silence or being alone for a time.
This shift will often take pressure off of the partner with fear of engulfment and often they come back towards the partner with fear of abandonment. They are curious about where they went?
When both partners can meet each other and dance to the same beat, there is calm. Each partner is less triggered.
There is so much more explanation to this dance of Intimacy and this is just a bit of a peak into the ways in which we trigger each other and push each other away.
If you are in a long term committed relationship and considering getting married or well on your way in the planning stages of this big exciting step, please consider seeking pre-marital couple’s therapy.
Why not begin this beautiful journey on the same page and dancing to a beautifully choreographed song?!
Please feel free to contact Psychotherapy with Shelley for a complimentary consultation.
Are you ready to take the next step towards a healthier and happier self? Let's get in touch with a free consultation.
Why would my child need Child Behavioural Therapy?
Child Behavioural Therapy is recommended if your child exhibits disruptive or negative behaviours that impact their well-being and social interactions.
5 ways in which Child Behavioural Therapy can help:
1. Improves Behavioural: Teaches positive behavior replacement techniques.
2. Enhances Social Skills: Fosters better social interactions through role-playing and social skill training.
3. Behavioural Issues: Addresses specific behavioral issues such as aggression, non-compliance, and impulsivity.
4. Empowers Decision Making: Helps children make positive choices independently.
5. Strengthens Parent-Child Relationship: Offers strategies for parents to support and reinforce positive behaviors at home.
How does Child Behavioural Therapy work?
Child Behavioral Therapy involves structured sessions where a therapist works with a child to pinpoint the reasons behind their behavior. Using practical techniques, the therapist helps the child recognize triggers and develop better coping mechanisms. This approach teaches essential skills like emotional regulation and problem-solving, leading to positive changes in the child’s behavior and daily interactions.
Why would my child need an assessment?
Child Assessments are essential if there are concerns about your child’s development, emotional well-being, or cognitive skills. They help in understanding your child’s needs to provide tailored support and interventions.
5 ways in which a Child Assessment can help:
1. Identifies Developmental Milestones: Tracks whether your child is meeting developmental milestones in cognitive, language, and motor skills.
2. Highlights Emotional Concerns: Detects emotional or social difficulties that might be affecting
3. Assesses Learning Abilities: Evaluates strengths and weaknesses in learning to tailor educational strategies.
4. Informs Treatment Plans: Provides crucial information that helps in developing effective treatment and intervention plans.
5. Supports Educational Planning: Assists in creating individualized educational plans (IEPs) that cater to specific learning needs.
How do Child Assessments work?
Child Assessments typically involve a series of standardized tests and observations conducted by a team of specialists, including psychologists and therapists. These assessments might include interviews, psychological testing, and observational tasks, which collectively help in forming a comprehensive understanding of the child’s abilities and challenges.
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Why would my child need Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is ideal if your child or teen is struggling to cope with negative thoughts or behavioural patterns that affect their daily life, emotional well-being, and ability to function.
5 ways in which Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help:
1. Enhances Self-Control: Teaches your child to manage their reactions and responses to challenging situations.
2. Reduces Stress and Anxiety: Helps in identifying and altering thought patterns that contribute to stress and anxiety.
3. Improves Emotional Regulation: Assists in understanding and regulating emotions to foster better interpersonal relationships.
4. Boosts Confidence: Builds self-esteem by empowering your child to take charge of their thoughts and actions.
5. Encourages Resilience: Develops coping strategies to overcome adversity and build resilience.
How does Cognitive Behavioural Therapy work?
CBT combines talk therapy with practical behavioural strategies, guiding your child to identify distorted thinking patterns. Therapists work closely with your child to provide effective tools that help them reframe these thoughts. This process fosters a better understanding of their emotions and behaviours, leading directly to positive behavioural changes and improved mental well-being.
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5 ways in which Art Therapy can help:
1. Fosters Emotional Expression: Provides a non-verbal mode of expressing complex feelings.
2. Enhances Creativity: Stimulates creativity and imagination, which can be therapeutic and rewarding.
3. Reduces Anxiety: Creates a calm and focused environment, reducing stress and anxiety.
4. Improves Self-Esteem: Builds confidence through the achievement of creating art.
5. Promotes Self-Discovery: Encourages self-exploration and understanding through the creative process.
How does Art Therapy work?
Art Therapy uses drawing, painting, and other artistic methods as a means of communication. A therapist guides your child through creative activities that aim to uncover and address underlying emotional issues.
Why would my child need Anxiety Therapy?
Anxiety Therapy is essential if your child experiences persistent anxiety that interferes with their school, social life, or overall happiness.
5 ways in which Anxiety Therapy can help:
1. Teaches Coping Mechanisms: Provides tools and techniques to manage and reduce feelings of anxiety.
2. Boosts Confidence: Helps children face their fears and build confidence through gradual exposure and resilience training.
3. Improves Focus and Concentration: Reduces anxiety-induced distractions, improving focus at school and in other activities.
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How does Anxiety Therapy work?
Anxiety Therapy primarily employs cognitive-behavioural techniques to directly target and modify the thoughts and behaviours that fuel anxiety. Additionally, this therapy may incorporate exposure therapy to gradually reduce anxiety responses in feared situations, alongside relaxation exercises designed to calm the mind and body. This comprehensive approach ensures a thorough treatment of anxiety symptoms.
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Family Therapy is necessary when family dynamics contribute to a child’s issues or when the entire family needs support to navigate a child’s challenges together.
5 ways in which Family Therapy can help:
1. Strengthens Family Bonds: Improves communication skills and understanding among family members.
2. Resolves Conflicts: Provides strategies to resolve conflicts and reduce tensions within the home.
3. Supports All Members: Ensures that every family member feels supported and valued.
4. Promotes Understanding: Helps family members understand the needs and behaviors of others, fostering empathy.
5. Guides through Transitions: Assists families in managing transitions or crises effectively.
How does Family Therapy work?
The goal of Family Therapy is to improve communication and resolve conflicts within the family unit. During these sessions, the therapist employs targeted interactions and exercises that are designed to deepen mutual understanding and foster cooperation among family members. This approach helps identify and address patterns that disrupt family dynamics, ultimately promoting a healthier, more supportive home environment.
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Stress Therapy is designed for anyone feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of daily life, work, relationships, or specific events. It’s for those seeking effective strategies to manage stress, reduce its impact, and improve overall well-being.
5 signs you may need Stress Therapy
1. You feel overwhelmed or anxious more days than not.
2. Physical symptoms (headaches, stomach issues) are frequent.
3. Your sleep or appetite has changed due to stress.
4. You’re irritable or have difficulty concentrating.
5. Stress is affecting your work, relationships, or health.
How does Stress Therapy work?
Stress therapy offers techniques and strategies to reduce your stress levels, improve your coping mechanisms, and help you build a more resilient mindset. Through personalized sessions, learn how to manage stress effectively and regain control over your wellbeing.
Why would I need Anxiety Therapy?
Anxiety therapy helps individuals who are frequently overwhelmed by worry, fear, or nervousness, impacting their daily activities, relationships, and personal achievements.
5 signs you may need Anxiety Therapy
1. Constant worry affecting daily life.
2. Physical symptoms without medical reasons.
3. Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank.
4. Avoiding activities due to fear.
5. Experiencing intense anxiety or panic attacks.
How does Anxiety Therapy work?
Anxiety therapy primarily utilizes cognitive-behavioral techniques to identify and modify negative thought patterns. Strategies include exposure therapy, relaxation techniques, and mindfulness, aimed at reducing anxiety symptoms and improving coping mechanisms.
Why would I need Panic Attack Treatment?
This treatment is essential for those experiencing unexpected, intense fear or discomfort, often with physical symptoms, seeking to regain control over their lives.
5 signs you may need Panic Attack Treatment
1. Sudden, intense fear without danger.
2. Physical symptoms like heart palpitations during an attack.
3. Fear of losing control or doom.
4. Avoiding places or situations fearing an attack.
5. Worrying about the next panic attack.
How does Panic Attack Treatment work?
Panic attack treatment often involves cognitive-behavioral therapy to understand and change the thought patterns that trigger attacks. Techniques may include exposure therapy, relaxation exercises, and sometimes medication to manage symptoms effectively.
Why would I need Social Anxiety Therapy?
Ideal for those who experience significant anxiety in social situations, affecting their ability to engage and connect with others.
5 signs you may need Social Anxiety Therapy
1. Fear of judgment or embarrassment in social settings.
2. Avoiding new social interactions.
3. Physical symptoms in social situations.
4. Excessive worry about social events.
5. Difficulty in friendships due to social fear.
How does Social Anxiety Therapy work?
Social anxiety therapy includes exposure therapy to gradually face social situations, cognitive restructuring to challenge negative thoughts, and social skills training to improve interaction confidence. These methods aim to reduce social anxiety levels and enhance social functioning.
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Depression Therapy is critical for those feeling a deep sense of sadness, hopelessness, or disinterest in life, which affects their daily function and happiness.
5 signs you may need Depression Therapy
1. Persistent hopelessness.
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3. Appetite or weight changes; sleep issues.
4. Constant fatigue.
5. Thoughts of death or suicide.
How does Depression Therapy work?
Depression therapy may involve different approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy to address negative thought patterns, interpersonal therapy to improve relationship skills, and psychodynamic therapy to explore underlying issues. These techniques aim to alleviate depressive symptoms and improve emotional well-being.
Why would I need Individual Therapy?
Individual Therapy is beneficial for addressing a broad spectrum of personal challenges, from navigating life changes to managing mental health conditions, in a personalized and confidential setting.
5 signs you may need Individual Therapy
1. Overwhelmed by stress or emotions.
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3. Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or anger.
4. Relationship problems or loneliness.
5. Behavioral or substance use issues.
How does Individual Therapy work?
Individual therapy involves one-on-one sessions with a therapist to explore personal issues, emotions, and behaviors. Through techniques tailored to the individual’s needs, such as cognitive-behavioral, psychodynamic, or humanistic approaches, therapy aims to provide insight, resolve issues, and promote psychological health.
