Why would I need Couples Therapy?

Often times the biggest issue with couples or even relationships in general is that we become stuck in the “Dance of Intimacy.” Usually one partner has a ‘Fear of Abandonment’ and one has a ‘Fear of Engulfment’ (or of being controlled, taken over.)

One partner needs to feel safe, secure and seen and this will lead to the appearance of ‘Neediness’. This neediness will cause the partner with Fear of Engulfment to feel controlled, over-taken and completely over whelmed by their partner.

Often times the partner with Fear of engulfment was heavily controlled as a child and was not allowed to have a voice or make decisions during critical growth stages when being self- led is crucial for development. Also having overly critical parents might also cause this feeling of being controlled.

The partner with Fear of Abandonment will often feel fear of being left, rejected or not good enough and will always be on the lookout for proof of these fears.
Shelley assists her couples in shifting this dance and helping them experience each other from a different lens.

Dealing with Couples Therapy in York Region, Shelley observes the dynamics between her clients in the therapy setting, ties this behavior to the dynamics in their home lives, and helps direct new conversations and interactions based on more honest feelings.

To accomplish this, Shelley will encourage you to look at your current emotional issues and then help you discover feelings and emotions that you may not realize you have.

You may discover deeper past feelings and vulnerabilities that are blocked by the more immediate emotions you display in your current relationship. 

You will learn to express these emotions in a way that will help you connect, rather than disconnect with your partner or family member. 

You will learn new ways to listen and stay attuned to another’s emotions and discover more productive ways to respond to emotional situations.

For more in-depth information of EFT please visit drsuejohnson.com or, contact me if you are looking for a relationship therapist in Toronto.

5 Signs we may need couples therapy

1. Issues with communication

2. Pre-Marital Therapy (This is strongly recommended by Shelley)

3. Infidelity and Unfaithfulness, Trust issues

4. Blended families

5. Parenting discord

 5 Things to consider when choosing couples therapy

Many issues can arise in any relationship and this type of there is not only for couples but can be very beneficial for siblings, child-parent relationships and even family dynamics.

Communication is incredibly important in our relationships and sometimes couples simply need some tools, techniques and education in how to speak to their partner in a way which they feel heard and ‘gotten’.

Pre-Marital therapy Shelley’s opinion in very important. This type of therapy provides a couple with an opportunity to address any issues that may be small and look at what is really underneath these issues and provides a platform to heal these things at the beginning before getting married and having children. It is when children come along usually that the triggers we never even knew we had get pushed and we most often take these things out on our partner, even if sub-consciously.

Addressing our unmet needs ahead of marriage and children is very beneficial to the entire family system.

Infidelity most often stems from unmet needs from our childhood. We are subconsciously always on the hunt to find a partner who can meet these unmet needs. We aren’t aware we are doing this but, we do.

When we feel that our partner is not meeting these needs their can be a need to reach out to someone who we hope can. This is dangerous territory for a relationship. Trust is damaged here.

Shelley believes though that the relationship can be repaired if both partners are dedicated to the work it requires to repair the rupture or attachment wound. 

Many people nowadays experience more than one significant relationship in their lives and often blend together two different families with children into a new family.

It is important that each partner is able to help themselves, each other and the children feel safe, accepted, heard, seen and supported. This can be difficult when there are a lot of different unmet needs in one household. Working through these issues can be very beneficial for the positive growth of this family unit.

Many couples struggle with parenting and have difficulty remaining a team and backing each other up with the children. A united parenting team will benefit your relationship immensely and will also help build healthy children who are free from the problems becoming ‘enmeshed’ with one parent over another can cause.