Bullying has always existed and is on the rise more so in this age of technology where cyber bullying is so prevalent. It is very easy for a person to hide behind their computer or phone. Cyber built bullies don’t have the inner strength to confront others in such brash and abusive ways face to face.
Being bullied brings a sense of not feeling safe. It has us question our worth and our sanity and can feel like someone has literally pulled the earth out from under our feet. The world feels scary and as if either known or unknown perpetrators could attack at any time, especially where cyber-bullying is involved.
Why do bullies do what they do? How can a human being show up in such a hurtful and abusive way to another person?
There are a lot of quotes out there to describe this but I will attempt to sum it up here.
A human being can only treat others in such a way that they treat themselves.
If they do not truly love themselves, how can they love another?
If they do not feel themselves worthy, how can they praise the worthiness in another?
If their Inner Critic is constantly on them about how stupid they are, how worthless they are and how they constantly fail and remind them that eventually everyone will leave them because they are ugly and un-loveable, how can they possibly even begin to understand what it is to build up and support another person?
They have no true understanding of how to do that.
People who bully, verbally and mentally abuse others, have in most cases been abused themselves from a very young age. They are often addicted to drama in the sense that their brains are actually addicted to the chemicals that are created in their bodies due to constant trauma or events in their lives in which they have not fully recovered from. This of course applies to cyber bullying as well!
They have not had a chance to become resilient.
If there are more than a day or two that goes by without some sort of event triggering this addictive chemical to be produced and essentially give them a “hit”, they will find a situation in their life to create a fight or flight situation so that their brain will release their favourite drug.
They will often ride this way of fight or flight for a number of days or weeks before they crash.
Why do I explain this? Because I think it is very important for folks that experience bullying to really and truly understand that it has nothing to do with them really.
They are worth it, they are loved, they are smart, they are beautiful, they are deserved of love and support.
Often bullies have been abandoned so severely in their life experience that they completely abandon themselves. They don’t feel love for themselves. They feel worthless and un-loveable. When they experience any kind of rejection (which can simply be a person setting a healthy boundary), this feels like a re-abandonment and the bully can not handle feeling this again.
Instead of consciously processing their feelings of abandonment, they block their felt sense and instead go on the attack. No longer is there a healthy adult in charge, now there is a 3 year old part inside of them that throws a tantrum let’s say. What usually happens after this is massive projection onto the Bully’s intended target. All of the un-lovable feelings, the worthless feelings, the feeling of self-hatred, now get thrown at the victim.
None of this is conscious most likely, the bully is working from an unconscious state here.
So, why do I write this? Why do I feel it’s important to explain this?
I have seen many clients in my office that are in states of complete despair and emotional pain.
Wondering why they deserve this kind of abuse, what did they really do wrong??
They can not comprehend how someone could be so hurtful and abusive.
I wanted to let them know this….
If you or anyone you know is experiencing these kind of attacks and you feel you need therapeutic support, please feel free to check out my website or reach me by phone at 416-562-5542 for a complimentary phone consultation. I would welcome the opportunity to help you build a resistance within yourself to help you increase your inner strength such that these events don’t touch your soul anymore.